Have you ever stopped yourself from doing something that you love because of fear, doubt, shame and insecurity?

I wonder how many people out there REALLY know what im talking about.

This feeling kills me. It feels like you inner-being has no life, no substance, no purpose, no NOTHING.

I am surrounded by such talented friends, REALLY. I have friends that do it all. Its so beautiful to see them in their zone and in touch with what God has given them to share with the world.

Being around them makes me wonder to myself what it is i have to offer and sadly, i really cant think of anything specific.

I’ve come to the point where i’ve let my inner critic hinder me from doing things that i love because i care too much about what people think and because i refuse to allow myself to be bad at it.

i know the answer to these questions are as easy as- Who cares about what people think?! and/or You cant expect yourself to be an expert from the start! Allow yourself to be bad at it and grow… But all of this is easier said than done.

How is it that some people have such COURAGE to do what they love without caring about what others think?  

“Dont die with your song being unsung…”

This makes me feel better.

Deng what a day what a day… Waking up at 8:45 in the morning and realizing that you:

1. over slept from what was supposed to be a 15 minute nap.

2. didnt do any homework thats due

3. have class in the next 10 minutes

4. cant take a shower or else you wont be late

5. dont have a decent change of clothes

6. hair is looking hella busted and face is all crusty

That was just the beginning…

To try and compensate for the work I didnt do the night before, i figured id take advantage of the extra hour i had due to furloughs… little did i know that it would take 4 1/2 hours to complete. The worst thing about it is that i was at the SF State bookstore typing my research paper STANDING th entire time because they dont have chairs in there and because those computers arent really intended to do research on! So I missed my most of my classes… ::sigh::

BUT i HATE whiners so this is not going to be about that. Rather, I’d like express how great the end of my night was just hanging out with the people i love the most. Sitting at 403 and watching Youtube can be really entertaining you know? SERIOUSLY. Now, everyone’s either working on a paper or getting some other school work done so here i am posting a blog.

I look forward to Cha coming tomorrow! its been awhile since weve been together! haha! Actually, its only been a few days, but it feels like its been forever. Also, I cannot wait for class event because Section 2 is gonna be crackin!!! Lastly, I CANT wait for the Pacquiao fight this Saturday!!! Im sh*tting bricks just thinking about it. I wonder if i should place bets. Afterall, I could use some extra cash for my NYC birthday bash.

So I learned this realy cool thing in my Liberal Studies class called the 6 word memoir. Its basically a six word pharse to express how youre feeling. For example:

-Died, waiting for life to begin.

-Walk the walk, talk the talk.

-Wisdom teeth growing, no wisdom yet.

-i love you. i hate you.

-Nature and nurture made me weird.

Six words, nothing more nothing less. (Hey Thats one!! Hahah) There are some really hallarious,creative,inspiring, touching and deep ones out there! Can you come up with one?

In the spirit of Pacquiao I want to leave off with this video. I cant get enough of this… This guy will forver be my hero =)

Laundry. CHECK!

After 1 whole month of not doing laundry, I finally gathered nearly 70 lbs of my clothing and hauled it to the nearest laundry mat at Westlake. As I was putting the clothes in the dryer, I had a flashback of the time I was in the 5th grade doing laundry by myself late in the evening. A Mexican woman came up to me saying, “you’re mom must be really proud of you, knowing how to do your laundry at such a young age.” At that moment, I knew what I was doing wasn’t normal. I mean, at that age aren’t parents supposed to be doing your laundry for you, not you doing laundry for yourself and EVERYBODY else in your family. I remember feeling hella sorry for myself and tears ran down my face. WAH WAH WAH. But right then and there I knew one day, it would benefit me. So its all good! Now, I feel like I’ll even do your laundry if you want me to!

Haircut. CHECK!

As I was waiting for my clothes to wash, I figuredI’d try to kill two birds Wuth one stone so I went to the newly built SUPERCUTS at the Westlake Shopping Center. My barber’s name was Joanne. She was pretty cool. I think ill be back to see her again. I like to test people to see what kind of attitudes they have when it comes to tipping. I knew my haircut would cost $19 so I handed her a $20 bill and waited for her to give me my dollar change back. I knew at the top of her head she was thinking, damn this mothafucka not even gonleave me with one damn dollA! And seeing her reaction switch as I gave her a decent tip. It was like she was a whole new person, talking about, “Come back soon ok!? Let me give you my business card! Im here thursday, friday sunday! Byeeee!” Haha. Ohh what money does to people.  

Birthday Lunch for Kayla. Check!

Let me just take this time to endorse MUSU in San Mateo between 3rd and San Mateo Dr. If youre looking for cheap all you can eat and BANGIN good sushi and udon soup, hit that spot up! $11.99 is all I have to say, but come hungry.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLA! Thank you for letting me spend it with you.

Read Blue Surge. Check!

I read this play entitled Blue Surge and one quote really stuck out to me it said, “YOU GOT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU DESERVE THE BEST IN THIS WORD. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?”

Deep.

Class: Thought and Image. Check!

Class was cool although Im not doing as well as I should be. I spoke to my professor and he told not to loose hope (whatever that means), so im not. I just gotta keep grindin.

HOWEVER, i had these really bad ass hickups and they were soo loud I was so embarrassed especially in class of about 200 students. But this one dude next to me had the nerve to hiss at me and turn the opposite direction as if it were my fault or as if i had control of my damn hickups. I tried holding my breath in to the point I nearly passed out in class. And even after I went to get a drink of water, they got even worse. Shit, my bad for having hickups!

…Trick.

Hang out at 403. Check!

403 is where I go to feel sane. Its headquarters for me and so many others.

This is where my THANK YOU’s come in.

403, Pdiddy, Kayla THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME and taking care of me and listening to me and feeding me and laughing with me and at me and thank you for just being my TRUE FAMILY.

Maureen thank you for giving me a lift home and for always sharing such great stories with me.

Ed thank you for letting me use up your car and gas to get all my errands done despite the fact I was late coming back. I know you wanted to kill me.